So, if you have trouble accessing the actual film on the Youtube pages, or if you just thought you could browse leisurely through the script, please do! Sheer Indulgence‘s script was edited precisely 7 times, and although the edits were minor, we’re positively certain they made a pleasant contribution to your viewing.
EXT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – DAY
THE DOCTOR and HARTLEIGH are in the TARDIS and THE DOCTOR is bored. THE DOCTOR has just regenerated and, typically, is befuddled by his situation.
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh, have I ever told you about this Earth confectionery called chocolate?
HARTLEIGH: No. In your last regeneration, you often babbled hopelessly about Jelly babies. Are the newborns of Earth made of… well, Jelly?
THE DOCTOR: Don’t be stupid, Hartleigh. chocolate and jelly babies are Earth confectionery. They are sweet, fattening and unhealthy. The satisfaction gained from eating chocolate is only comparable to that of watching a Dalek being gunned down by another Dalek. Jelly babies were something I often used to eat; offer my enemies and sometimes use to get out of sticky situations.
HARTLEIGH: Ever since your regeneration, you’ve…
THE DOCTOR: What regeneration? I haven’t regenerated since those bureaucrats from the planet of the Inhospitable Geese… those… those Geese… they were tough customers.
HARTLEIGH: You just regenerated an hour ago. You clearly don’t remember it.
THE DOCTOR: You know Hartleigh, despite your amazing ability to state the obvious and then lie a bit; I think you’re talking rubbish. I think I would know if I regenerated. After all, I know myself better than you… I hope.
HARTLEIGH: Doctor, it says in this Time Lord biology textbook that Time Lords don’t remember regeneration.
THE DOCTOR: Oh yes, and I suppose this ‘textbook’ has also told you that us Time Lords can’t remember regeneration.
HARTLEIGH: That’s what I said.
THE DOCTOR: Probably, but not without some denial from me.
HARTLEIGH: The book also says that you will be incomprehensible for another hour and understanding you is as unlikely as the establishment of a Cybermen-run orphanage.
THE DOCTOR: Enough rhetoric. I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten anything for a whole month. Let’s go to, hmm… Earth food is the best in this Galaxy. Let’s try Melbourne, early 21st Century.
HARTLEIGH: Do you remember how to operate the TARDIS?
THE DOCTOR: Yes. Do you know how to make an Indian Curry?
HARTLEIGH: Yes I do. Being an intergalactic cook and all. Although, I’m still better with cooking plastic straws.
THE DOCTOR: …And off we go!
The TARDIS materialisation noise is heard in background as the TARDIS materialises…
HARTLEIGH: Are we in Melbourne?
THE DOCTOR: There is the remotest possibility that we materialised on Raxicoricofallapatorious.
HARTLEIGH: You just made that up to scare me. This new regeneration Doctor – it’s too predictable.
THE DOCTOR: Am I now?
HARTLEIGH: Yes, and touch too random.
The Duo make towards the TARDIS door. They open it and immediately jump back inside. Gunfire can be heard loudly.
THE DOCTOR: That’s the last time I materialise in any shooting. I’m serious this time!
HARTLEIGH: What on Earth happened?
THE DOCTOR: Why do you assume everything happens on Earth? Plenty of other things happen on Earth – but you are right, most things… they… happen on Earth. The planet is in the middle of a time-space freeway and although those humans don’t know it, the only reason why they exist is because of their famous chocolates and jelly babies. Many other… non-humans are addicted to them and therefore rely upon Earth.
HARTLEIGH: Yes, I suppose Earth is seen as a chocolate farm. They’re being exploited… Doctor, I don’t want to go to Ear…!
THE DOCTOR: …Shut up!
HARTLEIGH: Ok. I am getting hungry. But let’s go sometime safe.
EXT. VORTEX
The TARDIS is seen shooting through the Time Vortex.
EXT. THORNBURY – DAY
We shoot to a quite street in Thornbury, Melbourne where we see the TARDIS materialise. HARTLEIGH and THE DOCTOR are seen walking out of the TARDIS.
THE DOCTOR: On top of getting some of those chocolate biscuits they sell around here, I need to test a new device.
THE DOCTOR pulls out a small device.
THE DOCTOR: The Bamboobalizer. What it does is act as a remote control for the TARDIS. Whilst I can’t summon the TARDIS; The Bamboobalizer does lend a helpful hand when it comes to freezing time, detecting signals and a whole range of stuff that would take too long to explain. I also… Where is it? …have my sonic toothbrush, which compliments the technology of the Bamboobalizer.
HARTLEIGH: That’s a rather silly name for such a sophisticated device – it’s undignifying!
THE DOCTOR: Well, my device-naming skills are a little rusty. But don’t worry – let’s focus our energy and time on finding a supermarket to buy those damn biscuits. I’ll find one using the Bamboobalizer…
HARTLEIGH: Can your Bamboobalizer detect all types of biscuits?
THE DOCTOR: What…? I mean supermarkets!
The two go off in hunt of a supermarket as the Incognito song: “We can walk for miles” starts to play. THE DOCTOR resumes talking.
THE DOCTOR: Do you know what Kragonians feed on? Their diet?
HARTLEIGH: No, what is it?
THE DOCTOR: You’ll never believe me.
HARTLEIGH: C’mon tell me… Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: Well… You won’t believe me…
HARTLEIGH: Tell me Doctor!
THE DOCTOR: Nah! You’ll never believe me. Let’s go.
They enter a supermarket.
INT. SUPERMARKET – DAY
THE DOCTOR: Excuse me; do you have any of those biscuits with the chocolate and the other chocolaty things inside the other chocolaty things?
SERVICEPERSON: Which brand are you referring to, sir?
THE DOCTOR: Harry’s Chocolate Confectionery. Do you know it?
SERVICEPERSON: I’m not sure sir.
THE DOCTOR: Can you check?
SERVICEPERSON: Why don’t you look for yourself?
THE DOCTOR: A fat lot of good you are. Hartleigh, I’m rather out of politeness. Do you have any I could borrow?
HARTLEIGH: It’s not a commodity, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Neither is my hunger for Harry’s Chocolate Confectionery. Are you sure you have none?
SERVICEPERSON: Mate, I don’t know. I think they still make them in China, but there’s a chocolate glut at the moment, so we’re not stocking any more confectionery products.
THE DOCTOR: That’s economics for you!
SERVICEPERSON smiles vaguely.
THE DOCTOR: Thanks for your customer service.
HARTLEIGH: That was a tad awkward. Don’t ya think, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Probably. But not as awkward as hooking up with an ex-girlfriend at her boyfriends’ party.
HARTLEIGH: That happened to you?
THE DOCTOR: Only in the existential sense. Hurry Hartleigh! To the TARDIS. We must get to China before they do!
HARTLEIGH: Who’s they?
THE DOCTOR: You’ll never believe me.
HARTLEIGH: Don’t start this again.
THE DOCTOR: Shut up. To the TARDIS!
They run back in the direction they came from.
EXT. TARDIS LOCATION – DAY
Upon arriving at the TARDIS’ location, they discover it missing.
THE DOCTOR: Where’s the TARDIS?
HARTLEIGH: How am I supposed to know? You’re the Doctor. I’m the assistant. You’re the Leader. You parked it over there, didn’t you?
HARTLEIGH points.
THE DOCTOR: Nope. It’s gone… How… how… I’m lost for words.
THE DOCTOR moans loudly.
HARTLEIGH: We should tell the authorities.
THE DOCTOR: Very Apt, Hartleigh… like they’d look for a blue police box which, as they would see it, belongs in a museum collection…
THE DOCTOR scratches his head and looks bewildered.
THE DOCTOR: Damn! Hey look at this.
THE DOCTOR picks up a blue ball. THE DOCTOR examines it and some chilling music starts to play…
HARTLEIGH: What is that?
THE DOCTOR: Probably a ball.
HARTLEIGH: Obviously.
THE DOCTOR: But… Why did you ask then?
HARTLEIGH: Well, because it’s…
THE DOCTOR: Oh dear. This is really bad news. Hartleigh, this ball is… a call sign. Somebody wants to see me.
HARTLEIGH: Who, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR uses the sonic toothbrush and then the Bamboobalizer to scan the ball. He doesn’t look happy.
THE DOCTOR: It’s not actually a ball. It’s an alien transmitter… Perhaps…
HARTLEIGH: Who took it? Was it…..
THE DOCTOR: The Master! He’s the most likely villain. It’s very him to leave a conspicuous clue disguised as a blue ball.
HARTLEIGH: Sounds like quite a fetish he has. Who is he?
THE DOCTOR: He’s an insidious enemy who dabbles in pernicious and exploitative activities. He’s more ruthless then… then… those people who are ruthless…
HARTLEIGH: I suppose he also wants to kill you. But why?
THE DOCTOR: Why should he kill me? Just because I get in the way of his evil plans… and the fact that well… you know… we go way back. Back to when the universe was created in fact! And sometimes, when it ended!
HARTLEIGH: Did he create the universe? I mean… you did mention that you and he go way back to when the universe was born.
THE DOCTOR: (Sounding exasperated) Why would someone want to destroy their own invention? Sounds rather illogical to me… then again… the Master has always been illogical, ever since he tried setting plastic shop-front dummies upon me.
HARTLEIGH: Why would anyone do that? Stupid… Yeah! (Sarcastic) This Master guy is stupid enough to leave you a clue… If I were to take your TARDIS, I would.
THE DOCTOR: You couldn’t!
HARTLEIGH: Why, if he can, so can I!
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh… you lack… hmmm; how should I put this delicately…
HARTLEIGH: Timelord DNA. Isn’t the TARDIS only accessible to Time Lords?
THE DOCTOR: No. It was accessed by the Cybermen in my 5th regeneration, now that was bothersome. Hartleigh, you lack the… shall we say… ingenuity.
HARTLEIGH: (Hurt) Stop putting me down Doctor. Why do you do th…?
THE DOCTOR: (Interjecting) You’ll never believe me. Now let’s go and track down the TARDIS. This ball is not quite what it seems… I’m sure he’s got some devious scheme behind it all. As usual.
HARTLEIGH (Sighing) Let’s hope that your newly regenerated brain is up to another adventure…
THE DOCTOR: A master-defeating one at that… hopefully…
They walk off, and then break into a run. The camera zooms on Merri Creek and Fitzroy North’s streets. The two cross a tramline (route 112) and Hartleigh stares – perplexed – at the trams. They see the TARDIS in the distance, as the Bamboobalizer picks up its signal.
THE DOCTOR: Look, there it is…
THE DOCTOR squints.
THE DOCTOR: Exercise caution Hartleigh… it’s probably booby-trapped.
HARTLEIGH: I’m a male.
THE DOCTOR: (Annoyed) Tarkonians… We’re in the middle of Melbourne. There are no Chocolates to be found and an insidious devil is probably luring us into a trap… Don’t be so flippant and silly, Hartleigh… even optimists take out insurance…
HARTLEIGH: (Mumbling) I’m no optimist.
They approach the TARDIS. THE DOCTOR’S hand is outstretched, the Bamboobalizer in his right hand…
Someone sneaks up behind them. We sees a stick being raised. THE DOCTOR gets hit from behind with a groan. HARTLEIGH is startled and also gets hit. Both are unconscious. We see both bodies being dragged away…
INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – DAY
The Master is seen laughing and grinning malevolently… HARTLEIGH and THE DOCTOR are trapped on board THE DOCTOR’S own TARDIS. An invisible force field traps them and their hands are inseparable. Trouble. The Master moves the TARDIS to a more suitable postion under the rift.
THE DOCTOR: You know, you really are too predictable….Chucking us in here…. What’s it going to achieve?
THE MASTER: Well, if I told you that, you could stop me easily. I have no intention of making life easy for you… what little you have left, Doctor!
HARTLEIGH: (Irritated) Listen you! I’m an innocent bystander. He (gesturing at THE DOCTOR) just took me for a ride to pick up some chocolates… and now this! It’s weirder than I though!
THE MASTER: Nothing is so remarkable… Who are you, the Doctor’s 6000th sidekick? He uses you companions like a druggie. Isn’t that right, Doctor? And by the way, what’s with this 20th century Earth house décor?
THE DOCTOR: When it comes to you – nothing is right. You’re really quite insane… and a touch oblivious.
THE MASTER: What?
HARTLEIGH: (Sympathetic) Yes, he’s hard to understand. Isn’t he?
THE DOCTOR: (Exasperated) That’s because everyone is too stupid to understand me! Besides, Master… holding me for ransom isn’t going to do anything!
THE MASTER: How did you work that out?
THE DOCTOR: (Smug) Wouldn’t you like to know? I use my little grey cells… that’s all. What else would you hold us here for? To use as slaves?
THE MASTER: You’re not priceless Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: That’s debatable… Now, to business! The Timelords are going to pay a lot for me, are they?
HARTLEIGH: (Uncertain) Can you read his mind Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: If that were true, then none of this would have happened. I could have anticipated his every move and manipulated him accordingly. As it is, I can only guess… and as I said, he is predictable!
HARTLEIGH: (Arrogant) He has a nasty temper, doesn’t he, Doctor?
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but if I told you why… well… you wouldn’t want to know…
HARTLEIGH: Yes I would.
HARTLEIGH raises his eyebrows surreptitiously.
THE DOCTOR: No you wouldn’t. You’ll never believe…
THE MASTER: Excuse the interruption of what I am sure is a most interesting conversation, but don’t you want to know what happens next?
THE DOCTOR: I already know!
THE DOCTOR laughs and grins gregariously.
HARTLEIGH: What happens next, then-Oh, don’t tell me…
THE DOCTOR: You’ll never believe me!
THE MASTER: Hartleigh. You will come with me. That is… if you want your life spared…
THE DOCTOR: What do you need him for?
THE MASTER: Well, you see… If I told you that, then my devious ideas would collapse into a heap of normality!
HARTLEIGH: Get lost! I’m not going anywhere without the Doctor!
THE MASTER: (Soothing) Don’t worry Hartleigh… I’ll be a quickie!
THE DOCTOR: If something happens to him… You’ll live to regret it.
THE MASTER: I regret everything; you should know that by now, my dear Doctor.
HARTLEIGH is forcefully dragged off into the TARDIS operating theatre.
INT. TARDIS OPERATING THEATRE – DAY
HARTLEIGH: Why do you need me? Shouldn’t you focus your energies on something more… omniscient?
Master: (Laughing) Well, ordinarily I wouldn’t trouble myself with such stupid apes, however I need a worker… but also one who is a friend of the Doctor. A companion. You see, getting you involved is killing two nerds with one phone!
HARTLEIGH: Actually, it’s killing two birds with one sto-
THE MASTER (Irritated): Look into my eyes. I’m going to use Pragmatikoloon.
HARTLEIGH (Confused): What do you…
THE MASTER: Look at me now! You are getting sleepy… ever so sleepy…
HARTLEIGH: This isn’t working for me! Sorry…what with the stresses of life and travelling with a stubborn zealot like the Doctor…..wa-it a second….what’s… going… on…..zzzzz.
HARTLEIGH is asleep and the Master uses the Timelord technique, Pragmatikoloon.
INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – DAY
THE DOCTOR is trying to escape, albeit with little success.
THE DOCTOR: Aghh… Where’s the bloody toothbrush?
THE DOCTOR uses his hands, mouth and feet to abstract the sonic toothbrush from his pocket.
THE DOCTOR: Ha, the Master really is an idiot, this regeneration; he forgot to remove my sonic toothbrush… and my Bamboobalizer!
INT. TARDIS OPERATING THEATRE – DAY
THE MASTER is seen inserting a liquid into the back of HARTLEIGH’S neck and the camera zooms in on a chip under his scalp.
THE MASTER: Wake up Hartleigh! Who is master? Wake up you subservient ape!
HARTLEIGH: (Monotonic) Yes. I will obey you, Master.
INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – DAY
THE DOCTOR uses his Bamboobalizer to break loose. He scurries out of the TARDIS. With stealth, he runs away.
INT. TARDIS OPERATING THEATRE – DAY
THE MASTER: Now… I need you to pretend to be working for the Doctor and ask him about timefreezing. Gain knowledge. Then I will take you back to be imprisoned.
HARTLEIGH: (Monotonous) I obey!
The two walk back to where THE MASTER believes THE DOCTOR is still imprisoned. Upon finding THE DOCTOR’S lack of existence, THE MASTER wistfully raises his eyebrows and mutters.
THE MASTER: Never mind. Hartleigh, track him down. Tell him I’ve gone to… to Meglos to profit from their abundant minerals. Convince him as if you were convincing a fat man to stop eating ice cream. And then… kill him!
HARTLEIGH: I obey!
The camera shows THE MASTER’S legs and then, in the distance – Hartleigh walking like a robot down the road. His eyes are not blinking and he is walking in perfect step.
THE MASTER: Succeed. It’s been so long… Doctor – your hour is up!
EXT. PARK – DAY
THE DOCTOR is seen walking through a park. He stops and takes out the Bamboobalizer, which appears to be ringing.
THE DOCTOR (Muttering): Come on, my beauty! Tell me… is it here?
THE DOCTOR’S Bamboobalizer changes tone and THE DOCTOR resumes searching in the bushes.
THE DOCTOR: Isn’t he a smart one! The Master has always been the disguiser… but this…
THE DOCTOR grasps his own face with appraisal
THE DOCTOR: This is exceptional. He’s as brilliant as me!… Well, almost.
THE DOCTOR unearths a battery. He taps it with his sonic toothbrush.
THE DOCTOR: The Master’s power source. Cease his energy. Cease his madness. Cease his time-travelling ability. Simple enough. I hope…
The camera shows HARTLEIGH, who is walking expressionlessly towards the park where THE DOCTOR is.
THE DOCTOR: Setting nine-and-three-quarters I think. He won’t realise until I… well, stop him.
THE DOCTOR uses the Bamboobalizer to destroy the battery, which we hear as a loud pop. HARTLEIGH is seen sneaking up behind him, after THE DOCTOR disposes of the battery.
HARTLEIGH: Doctor! I’ve found you!
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh! You’re safe! What happened… how was your ‘quickie’.
HARTLEIGH: It was nice. The Master has gone to Meglos. He seeks the minerals there.
THE DOCTOR (Unconvinced): I see. How did you find me though?
HARTLEIGH: I thought I would wander away. I knew you could find me using the Bamboobalizer, so I thought I would just… well, go towards here.
THE DOCTOR: Yes. (Sarcastic) I see! That makes sense.
HARTLEIGH: Doctor, let’s go and do something else… on Earth. I’m keen to learn about this wonderful planet with its… its… humanity.
HARTLEIGH smiles unconvincingly.
THE DOCTOR: Is the TARDIS still intact? How did the Master get to Meglos?
HARTLEIGH: Time vortex manipulator.
THE DOCTOR (Tartly): Really. Let’s get some of those Chocolates. We’ll fly to China. I hope the Master won’t come back. After all, it’s not as if one year under the then Harold Saxon was bad enough!
HARTLEIGH: The TARDIS is this way.
THE DOCTOR: Indeed… Are you feeling alright Hartleigh? You are a little too pragmatic.
HARTLEIGH: Oh no! It’s just all this carbon dioxide on Earth. It’s very… strong.
THE DOCTOR: You can say that again! It takes these human dolts half a century to mitigate climate change, and even then-
HARTLEIGH: Oh no! It’s just all this carbon diox-
THE DOCTOR: When I say ‘You can say that again’ I don’t mean it quite so literally.
HARTLEIGH: I understand. I apologise.
THE DOCTOR: I don’t think the Master will be very successful at Meglos, they’ve become quite religious lately. Profit to them is like… well, like no interest in chocolates to us. He will probably be sentenced to death for not understanding their obedient culture.
HARTLEIGH: I agree. Doctor, what do you know of timefreeze technology?
THE DOCTOR: Conventionally, it refers to the ability to ‘freeze’ time temporarily, in a specific part of space.
HARTLEIGH: How do you do it?
THE DOCTOR: You use need a big power source. First you get your Bronomian. Grind it up and add some Harklon solution. You get this stuff from the markets on Galaxy five. They’re quite cheap now… what with the tax reforms and all. Still, what makes you so interested in time freezing? It’s been banned by the Intergalactic Council of the Timelords.
HARTLEIGH: Then what do you do?
THE DOCTOR: Attach cords from the power source to the new solution, which is called Brax. Heat it at 500 degrees Celsius. Mix with Granoxical Acid… and then you have to use a device… a device like the TARDIS… to which you attach more cords to the solution and then… well… set the coordinates for the timefreeze. The rest is history… But hold on, how do you even know of timefreezes?
EXT. TARDIS – DAY
THE MASTER is waiting by the TARDIS.
THE MASTER: My prey awaits… I, the master of all. Once I extort the Timelords until they succumb to my demands, my universe will be but a step away… if even that!
THE DOCTOR walks towards the TARDIS and then stops abruptly.
THE DOCTOR: And Hartleigh would never be so… so reticent. What’s happened to you?
HARTLEIGH: I’m as idiosyncratic as I have always been.
THE DOCTOR: The real Hartleigh would lack the sophistication to use the term idiosyncratic. Of course, you’re under the control of…
THE DOCTOR turns his head in the direction of the TARDIS. There stands…
THE DOCTOR: The Master!
THE MASTER: Seize him!
THE DOCTOR is restrained by HARTLEIGH.
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh would never have enough intelligence to know what a timefreeze was! What have you done to this now-robot-like Tarkonian! He’s only 55 years old!
THE MASTER: Oh, what a fool you have been this time, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: To think… I even told him about the Bronomian!
THE MASTER: I think we’ve had enough Technobabble for one decade, Doctor.
THE DOCTOR: Probably… What?! Technobabble? You know nothing. You couldn’t construct a… a rational argument if your ego depended on it!
THE MASTER: Doesn’t matter. I’ve got you right where I want you. I now know how to construct a timefreeze, and so, you lose Doctor. I’ve waited so long… Lurking in my own shame… to think… you could indeed pull off that stunt on the Valiant… a few years into the future.
THE DOCTOR: (Spluttering) But that’s obscene. What is power? Nothing… Your plans will just collapse as they always do! Where could your evil be put to good?
THE MASTER: In parliament.
THE DOCTOR: You’ve tried that one before. Harold Saxon… vote me in… Ha! Why can’t you just.. I dunno.. settle down, work as a cartographer and retire with a wife called Sue and a dog called Ben in a little town in Queensland? You could… just lead a simple and lawful life.
THE MASTER: Well how about… No! Now, you’re going to help me.
THE DOCTOR: I’d sooner regenerate into a Sontaran!
THE MASTER: Oh, but I’m afraid you don’t have a choice. You cannot resist Hartleigh.
THE DOCTOR: Is that what you think?
THE MASTER: I don’t think, Doctor, I do!
THE DOCTOR: You’re forgetting! My TARDIS… it only responds to my genetic material when it’s in my willpower. If, as in this case, it is against my will, you can’t force any of my genes which are still attached to my body to do anything… well… your plans are dashed aren’t they?
THE MASTER: To think… and he’s forgotten.
THE MASTER smiles serenely at Hartleigh.
HARTLEIGH: He didn’t think, did he?
THE MASTER: Retrieve it from him. You see, Doctor, I’d already mastered a contingency plan.
HARTLEIGH removes the blue ball from THE DOCTOR’S pocket.
THE MASTER: It already has your DNA, Doctor. You see, Doctor? This is what I mean. You forget… your arrogance… it surpasses mind and it blinds you.
THE DOCTOR: I’m not the one who’s gloating like an… Urbankan!
HARTLEIGH: The Master’s plan is to help humanity. To unite them under one banner. The banner of… superiority.
THE DOCTOR: As for you Hartleigh! Your brain is being controlled. You have been brainwashed. All of you have.
Hartleigh: (Cynically) How’s that?
THE DOCTOR: I’ll explain later.
THE MASTER: Hartleigh. Hold him in the prison room… Ensure he does not escape again. I will begin construction of the timefreeze.
HARTLEIGH: (Monotonously) I obey!
INT. TARDIS PRISON CELL – DAY
HARTLEIGH shoves the Doctor back into his prison ‘cell’. He waits next to him, not moving.
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh, have I ever told you about the Master? His inability to succeed at anything other than his own feloniousness?
HARTLEIGH: No.
THE DOCTOR: You see, Hartleigh. None of his bland plans have ever worked. It always ends with me defeating him… as usual. Yet in this situation is a catch 23! He can’t freeze earth and escape in time!
HARTLEIGH: No. It’s catch 22.
THE DOCTOR: So you agree with me?
HARTLEIGH: No.
THE DOCTOR: I don’t blame you. If I weren’t myself, then I wouldn’t agree with myself. Two wrongs don’t make a right! But three lefts make a right… It all makes sense!
HARTLEIGH: I don’t understand.
THE DOCTOR: You forgot to remove my sonic toothbrush, didn’t you. And so when I did what I did last time…
THE DOCTOR quickly breaks loose!
THE DOCTOR: I make three lefts…
THE DOCTOR spins around really fast and tackles Hartleigh.
THE DOCTOR: and then that makes a right. A right Tarkonian.
THE DOCTOR uses the sonic toothbrush to remove HARTLEIGH’S chip.
INT. TARDIS CONSOLE ROOM – DAY
THE MASTER is half-way through constructing the time freeze.
INT. TARDIS PRISON CELL – DAY
HARTLEIGH: What happened? I was… I was dreaming…
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh, I’ll explain quickly. We don’t have much time. You were under the Master’s control. He doesn’t know I’ve brought you back to normal. You need to pretend you’re still under his control. Say: I obey! Like a robot! Pretend like… like an actor pretends. You need to act. You can still hear the Master’s commands, but… you have a choice of doing them.
HARTLEIGH winks.
HARTLEIGH: I obey!
THE MASTER’S voice echoes through.
THE MASTER: (VO) Bring the fool here, Hart! He will be sinking into fear!
HARTLEIGH: He summons us. Let’s go.
EXT. TARDIS – DAY
The pair join THE MASTER as he creates a timefreeze just outside the TARDIS.
THE MASTER: (Laughing) Doctor, you have tried my patience over the last centuries… I’ve had enough. Now, I will freeze you…
THE DOCTOR: Have you forgotten something? You usually do.
THE DOCTOR raises his eyebrows.
THE MASTER: What, I suppose you think I’m not faultless?
THE DOCTOR: Actually, I’m very sick and tired… of your constant lack of awareness…
THE DOCTOR smiles benignly.
THE MASTER: You always try scaring me in the finale! The finale of your life!
THE DOCTOR: That’s simply untrue! I usually am very prosaic when it comes to dealing with evil skin and bone like you!
THE MASTER: (Sighing) Ahh, a master a day keeps the meddlesome Doctor at bay! Behold… you destruction!
THE DOCTOR: You speak as if you are not the only Master in existence.
THE MASTER: That’s for me to know and for you not to find out.
HARTLEIGH winks at THE DOCTOR.
THE DOCTOR: I think you’re getting a head of yourself.
THE MASTER: You’re too late Doctor.
THE MASTER activates the timefreeze. Nothing happens. He tries it again. And still, nothing happens.
THE DOCTOR: (giggling) You always fail, Master! Look Hartleigh… He’s failed again!
HARTLEIGH: You think you had us fooled, didn’t ya! You lose. Again!
THE DOCTOR: And we’re gonna ensure your evil lifestyle is changed.
THE MASTER: What happened?
THE DOCTOR: You happened… until I stopped you. No power! That’s the way the cookie crumbles… speaking of which… Hartleigh… To China! We’ll lock the Master away somewhere.
THE MASTER: You made this proposal to me on the Valiant. Do you really think I will agree?
THE MASTER runs away and is seen to disappear into thin air.
THE DOCTOR: Don’t worry, I’ve dealt with this before.
THE DOCTOR takes out the Bamboobalizer. THE DOCTOR clicks the Bamboobalizer. THE MASTER, out of nowhere appears, exhausted. He collapses at THE DOCTOR’S feet. He tries to punch THE DOCTOR, but he trips him over and they wrestle.
THE MASTER: You can’t get rid of me!
HARTLEIGH: Shut up. You’ve caused enough hunger as it is!
THE MASTER: What?
HARTLEIGH: I’ll explain later.
THE DOCTOR freezes THE MASTER in a mini-timefreeze capsule on his Bamboobalizer.
THE DOCTOR: You know Hartleigh, I think we’ve had enough of Master-induced events for a while. Why don’t we cruise down to China, pick up some biscuits, remind them that democracy is just as economically viable as… whatever they have now and then… what do you say to a little visit to Raxacoricophallapatorious?
HARTLEIGH: What’s gonna happen to the Master?
THE DOCTOR: Watch…
He sends THE MASTER into atoms.
HARTLEIGH: You destroyed him! I though you were more civi-
THE DOCTOR: No, I sent him to the Timelords for trial. He’ll be charged with crimes against Earth, time-exploitation, brainwashing and… antagonising the egotistic!
HARTLEIGH: You know, that was one of the funnier adventures we’ve had. I mean… honestly… who would think that trying to freeze time would actually work.
THE DOCTOR: It would work, just not on this planet.
HARTLEIGH: Why?
THE DOCTOR: I’ll explain later.
INT. MELBOURNE – DAY
The two materialise in ‘China’. As it turns out – they actually materialise back in Melbourne.
THE DOCTOR: Welcome to Shanghai! The most… Shanghai-like place in the known universe.
HARTLEIGH: I don’t mean to criticise you, but this looks more like…
THE DOCTOR: Amsterdam, I know!
HARTLEIGH: No. Melbourne. That’s what the Bamboobalizer says!
THE DOCTOR looks at him expectantly.
THE DOCTOR: I think you’ve been eating too many plastic straws! The Bamboobalizer is simply in error, just like you.
HARTLEIGH: I can never have enough plastic straws! This is most certainly not Shanghai.
THE DOCTOR: Don’t be blasphemous! Existentially thinking, we shouldn’t exist – yet we do! Therefore, since I’m thinking therefore I am, so we’re not in Melbourne.
HARTLEIGH: You’re still suffering from post regenerative trauma, aren’t you? I know Melbourne when I see it. This can’t be Shanghai.
THE DOCTOR: You’re just too stubborn to admit that I’m always right. This is actually a special area of Shanghai called ‘Little Melbourne-Upon Shanghai’.
HARTLEIGH: That name is too Anglican to be in Asia! Don’t be foolish. Ask someone if you don’t believe me!
THE DOCTOR: There’s someone! Excuse me! Nihowma?
PERSON: Sorry?
THE DOCTOR: (To HARTLEIGH) I think the TARDIS is translating what he says. We can speak in English… This is Shanghai is it not?
PERSON: This is Collins Street, Melbourne.
HARTLEIGH: What did I tell you, Doc?
THE DOCTOR: That you are unable to cook a lamb Curry and that I’m too random.
HARTLEIGH: I said that this WAS Melbourne! You forgot to set the Coordinates! You go deep, and then come out shallow!
THE DOCTOR: Well, that’s what she said!
PERSON: (Laughing) Mate, is there anything I can help you with? What country are you from?
HARTLEIGH: Well I’m from the planet Bivodine, and the Doctor’s from Gallifrey.
PERSON: (Grinning) You’re a laugh, aren’t ya!
THE DOCTOR: (Seriously) Where’s the factory that makes Harry’s Chocolates?
PERSON: There’s no chocolate factory in Melbourne.
THE DOCTOR: Are you mad? This is China. Shanghai!
PERSON: (Angry) What are you talking about? You clearly need to speak to someone capable of dealing with you druggies!
PERSON stomps off, leaving THE DOCTOR and HARTLEIGH.
HARTLEIGH: Doctor, you need to stop antagonising the locals.
THE DOCTOR: (Gobsmacked) I think you might be right! Quickly Hartleigh, to the TARDIS!
HARTLEIGH: Where did you park it?
THE DOCTOR: I parked it over there…
THE DOCTOR points down the road.
HARTLEIGH: Don’t tell me you’re uncertain.
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh, you obtuse Tarkonian, if I was uncertain, then I certainly wouldn’t have led us on a wild goose chase. Besides, I’m too self-righteous to be uncertain. Uncertainly is the antithesis of greatness and all you do is remain uncertain!
HARTLEIGH: We haven’t chased wild geese since that time on the Planet of the Inhospitable Geese! You’re still regenerating your neurons…
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh, you are a blithering idiot! The TARDIS is that way!
HARTLEIGH: It was your directions that sent us here!
THE DOCTOR: Impossible, there must be some… some kind of geo-time-space anomaly that is trapping us in this symmetrical city of office workers, bureaucrats and late sippers!
HARTLEIGH: You are geographically challenged. We did go that way!
THE DOCTOR: What I don’t understand about you, Hartleigh, is that you refuse to except that I’m always right! We did go this-
THE DOCTOR walks into a poll.
THE DOCTOR: Aghh. It really isn’t feasible for this to be here… Stupid.
HARTLEIGH: (Pointing) You can’t even walk!
THE DOCTOR: Hartleigh… You couldn’t walk when that giant sandwich attacked us on Rassilon! You were paralysed with fear!
HARTLEIGH: You would have been too – if you weren’t so busy hunting those Daleks.
THE DOCTOR: Dalek hunting is by far more fun than going to a party full of Rassilonians. They’re such boring conversationalists. I remember you had to continuously repeat your name to one because she kept forgetting what it was.
THE DOCTOR is confused with a junction.
THE DOCTOR: We’ll go down this way. Hartleigh, the rule is if you’re lost – just try to make up for what you’ve lost by going in random directions. You’re bound to wind up where you came from if you’re random enough.
HARTLEIGH: Doctor, that’s illogical. If life existed on a whim, then there would be no telling what could happen.
THE DOCTOR: Yes, but existence exists because of the timefreeze. Without the timefreeze, the universe would just do a reverse big bang.
HARTLEIGH: I didn’t know the universe was sexual…
THE DOCTOR: Don’t be ridiculous. Now…
THE DOCTOR looks up at a tower.
THE DOCTOR: I’ve been here before. We didn’t go that way did we?
HARTLEIGH: You know we went that way…
THE DOCTOR and HARTLEIGH are seen wandering Melbourne, hopelessly lost.
The script ends with a cliffhanger. The Doctor and Hartleigh have a gun pointed at them.
